A MEMORY
Translated by Purushottama Rao, Ravela.
How beautiful and pleasant the
sunshine is!
How green the trees are!
I have not seen them so green in
sheen hitherto at any point
Why didn’t I see them at
all till now?
I have seen neither the trees
nor flowers as yet
Why so?
The cool breeze is touching the
entire body of mine and making me thrilling altogether with emotion
Why so much of joy just for a
touch of the cool waves?
We have to shut the glass doors
and cover ourselves with rugs.
Why so much of ecstasy resulted
in me after glancing the trees breeze and sunshine!
Is it for gaining health after a
long stint in the hospital taking complete bed rest!
The attending nurse
advised me
you go and roam around
the green garden .You feel relaxed
How many coloured flowers!!!
The eyes are getting dazzled
with those glistening Flowers!
And oh! These glistering
Flowers!!
How long it was there? How many years had it been?
Where am I before being admitted
into this hospital?
Am I not hither to wandering
freely around the trees and flowers?
Where? Where?
The painted walls
Oh! I am recollecting them.
Glass windows carpets, the artificial flowers in the vases."
Not at all like these flowers.
-2-
These flowers are with life,
breathing and almost on jumping spree. So high in colours
And with a lot of sheen after
actually the sunshine sprinkled on them
In the vases those
flowers are all life less ones.
They are like dead bodies of the
living flowers.
And are like motionless pictures
hanging on the wall
Out side there is a lot of din
filled with sounds
Tring-- tring ---bur ---bur---
dub -------dub
What are all these sounds?
And why so?
They are all car horns. There
used to be a car in those times.
Moving on foot how
beautiful it will be?
In those times we were not at
all on foot any time.
We were going out only in a car
We? Who the others were
along with me then?
Some were accompanying me all
the time.
It was sizzling a lot with all
cushioned soft seats inside
Very happy times they are!
Are they really comfortable
then?
Was it giving joy at all?
May be then!
Walking will be always good
indeed
We were almost moving out in car
only and not at all other wise.
The driver in complete khaki
uniform
Khaki dress and with khaki cap
Who are others with me in the
car?
-3-
Somebody with bald head was
accompanying me.
Ratnam!!!
Is it he?
No he is a respectable person
That spectacles, suit, hand
stick
I saw him even in the hospital
sometimes.
Doctors and nurses are
administering some thing to me.
The water shined on the glass of
specs like drizzled rain drops.
The lips shivered a bit.
Why/ who?
Why I moved with bespectacled
man always in the car
Those roads black topped ones
dust and dirt
My beautiful lace edged shoes!
Will they not get spoiled?
The tissue saree I wore may get
crumbled
If I walk along like that
All people around me would just
laugh at me.
Why do they laugh?
No they just laugh at me some
how
Why? If I walk here
There is grass almost resembling
a soft cloth in the shoes.
It is very delicate too.
Why shoes?
Nurse will get angry if I don't
wear the shoes
Once again she orders me to lie
down flat on my bed without looking at trees and sky.
--- 4--
She then administers all sour
medicines
Why so much of ecstasy in me at
present?
The heart is getting
intoxicating indeed
Is it because of chloroform?
No
I am however not getting sleep
at all.
The sunshine in me is flowing like
a stream full of flowers and fragrance.
What is this fragrance?
Is it from my inner body?
Or from the blood of mine which
is now recovering from the disease.
From where did this fragrance
spread?
They are jumping into the air
from the bushes.
It seems to be running fast into
me from the white flowers.
The flower petals are dropping
down from the green leaves duly smiling.
Oh! What is this happiness? What
is this excitement indeed, after looking at these flowers?
Is this intoxicating fragrance
from those flowers only?
I have seen it some time long
back.
I saw it somewhere.
I am not able to recollect now
the exact time and place.
I am not getting on to the name
of this tree.
I should enquire with the nurse.
How I am alive till today
without having a glimpse of these flowers at least for once till now
Why I lived at all till now
forgetting the glimpse of these beautiful flowers?
Why I forgot these flowers and
their name too which are giving me so much of happiness indeed.
But I am getting on to a
remembrance that I saw them yesterday only.
And experienced this ecstasy
yesterday itself,
-----5----
Some glittering and beautiful
memories.
They are like broken coloured
glass pieces with a shine
All shattered memories
They are getting on to the mind
unclear.
Having experienced some time
back and forgot them for unknown reasons are once again coming to the fore
streaking into the mind’s frame.
And once again getting them
recollected is just experiencing the ecstasy in full
My nerves, my blood, my mind,
and my heart they all are rejoicing over the recollection of the
past experiences which were
Once enjoyed and forgotten by me
for one reason or the other
.
They, without my knowledge have
preserved secretly those sweet and rare memories safely and securely with them
and DID not reveal them distinctively to me till date.
It is like the honey bees
collecting and preserving the nectar for themselves.
These flowers are very close to
my heart and dearer to me.
I have seen them some where with
somebody.
Where? With whom? Where are
they? Why they are not here around?
Not here exactly but somewhere
else other than this place.
Not now but some time back in
the long past.
Really those flowers are very
dearer to me and my heart.
That person also deserves
the same relating to these flowers
Better than the fragrance of
these flowers some sweet essence from other lips intoxicated mine.
Under this tree itself the white
flowery petals fell on my dark curly hair similarly under these black fore head
those eyes do exist like two water lilies.
I developed his acquaintance
only for collecting these flowers to say the fact indeed.
In the green grass slanting on
to the tree he was duly glancing through his half closed eyes and gestured
towards me with hand signs and wanted me to sit there besides him.
======6====
Why don’t I agree to his
proposition and oblige him by sitting besides as desired by him?
The silk frock may get crumbled
and my mom may hit backing in retaliation
I have to go I say to him and if
you go I won’t give you flowers
In that lean inner corner of his
eyes how much noise does erupt...
Mummy scolds me
Okay then come on. I’ll
give you
He rushes some bunches towards me
and put them in to my plait.
Come again
Anxiety and affection is
admixed in his voice.
If you give flowers I surely do
come.
What has happened to him?
Where has he gone?
He is addressing me as
Kamini!! Kamini!!
Why do you term me like that?
You are the queen of these
flowers!
That flower plant is exactly
like this only.
That idea came sharply to my
memory
Do you marry me? I will give you
flowers as many as you want!
He opened up his heart on one
day.
Oh! If you collect flowers for
me I will marry you
A stream of joy flashed in his
eyes like that of a lightning.
Did I marry him?
No. I am recollecting all the
past.
My mothers had an infinite joy.
She kissed gently me with so much of ecstasy surging around.
A good matrimonial alliance
came to me from
They possess property,
employment and prestige too in abundance.
-------7------
They are my pride and ardent
desire too in those days.
A sweet piper’s music
[nadaswaram], green festoons, lavish shamiyana erected
and all above
Our House is full of near and
dear relatives.
Cars outside the premises, my
ornaments, pearls, diamonds, and emeralds were sizzling high in the brightness
of the gas lights.
In the shadow he stood with a
pathetic face.
In his hands those glistening kamini
flowers.
He with a gesture wanted me to
go nearer to him.
My walk was beset with very much
ego splashing so high in higher echelons.
As you have not come I brought
these flowers for you
There is no place in my plait.
That is already full with jasmine flowers.
You promised to marry me.
Agony and despair from his inner
heart just blushed out in that question I guess
Can you give all these ornaments
to me?
A surprise crept up in his face.
Are those more intimate to you
than my flowers?
Who need your flowers?
They are available every where
in needed quantities.
Even if you don’t require
I can only give these flowers. Thus saying, he disappeared like the last tune
of the pipe.
There is no trace of him or the
flowers grabbing my mind there after.
I forgot all these things in my
delightful riches and exquisite pomp.
After four days my life was back
to loneliness.
All relatives, cars and also the
marriage party at last left the place.
The ornaments on my body are now
weighing high with heaviness.
And I almost lost the fancy for
them too.
I am languishing now for those
flowers.
---8----
I am unable to behave properly
without their vivid presence and avowed fragrance of those flowers.
I am unable to make it for my
self.
I rushed to that garden.
Suryam give me those flowers!
Tears were rolling down my
cheeks.
Oh my queen of flowers. Have you
come down to me?
He hugged me in the midst of
flowers.
There are fragrant kisses
showered on my wet cheeks
˜Kamini I can’t live
without you! He uttered deeply with an unknown passion
You also get married and you
also definitely forget me.
He almost behaved like a weaning
moon with so much of despair drowning him to the depths.
He rained on my lap with flowers
showering in full bloom.
I am afraid of his glance. I
shivered with a fear from the flowers.
I fled away without looking
backwards.
An unknown pain reigned in me.
An unbearable pain in those
flowers. Nerves strained a lot with pain.
I threw away all the flowers.
When ever the fragrance and his
pathetic face come to my mind I feel unknowingly very very bad.
A trip to
Still he could not wipe my vice
out.
When I feel about Suryam his
face, his tears shroud me altogether. My in laws thought it because of my home
sickness.
Immediately after my return to
my home I rushed to that flower garden.
Suryam! Suryam! I enquired
Who? Came the reply so fast!
IS Suryam not available here? I
continued my quest
Who are you?
---9====
I am his sister.
He is no more there on earth
Why?
When? How?
Some months back.
He is rather sick since long and
could not get back to normalcy
He advised me to give you all
the flowers whenever you come to collect the flowers.
Shall I get you flowers now
madam? She inquisitively asked.
I cried aloud in bigger tone
instantaneously!
There after I never visited that
garden once again
I got a hard feeling
of itch in my soul
I tortured myself hitting on the
flowers and recapitulating his memories too in silence.
I somehow enjoyed this hard
stand.
Riches, status, affection
showered by my husband throughout my daily routines helped me to forget the
past so soon.
Now when I glanced at those
Kamini flowers
All the formidable memories that
were squarely hidden underneath the deep depth of valleys down the mountains
And kept in me like priceless
treasures however are well kept behind the sea stocks
And also like an inferno
erupting from the lower columns of earth
Came to the fore front.
Despair dropped down heavily
from the heart
Suryam! Suryam!
What happened to you?
Where are you now?
Are you able to hear me!!!
Give me the fresh flowers from
your hands
=====10====
Come nearer to me
My head is reeling under heavy
pressure of tensions
I sat under the tree.
Petals of the flowers are
showering on my head
Suryam! Are you raining flowers
on me from up above the sky so high?
White dress and spectacles are
coming very, very nearer to me.
What madam you are sitting under
the blanket of snow!
Come in!
It is not good for your age and
health!
The nurse duly cautioned
me.
Don’t throw me once again
to the dark rooms!
Please allow me to feel better under
this tree of flowers.
What is that? Ratnam, come in
Our son-in-law and children came
over here to see you,
Said my bespectacled husband.
Daughter? Son-in-law? Have
children too?
When did all this happen?
Between these children and those
kamini flowers.
Suryam and these flowers are a
forgotten story to tell the truth.
What is the relation between me
and them?
I am not the queen of flowers
I am a wife, mother,
mother-in-law and grand ma too---
Yes! Life is only real to that
extent in true sense.
***
(The Telugu
original, smruti was written during 1946-47 and reprinted in aadivaaram
Vaartha, 28th May 2006.)