MY DREAM ‘N AFTER …
By Upadhyayula Suryakumari, Canada.
http://www.suryakumari.com/
The story is about the questions or ponderings of an educated young woman in any Andhra home. The cultural and familial
values on one hand and
the desire to prove oneself as a person on the other are playing havoc in one’s life in today’s society. What is the stuff our
dreams are made of?
And where is the line that separates the dream from real life? Who can unravel this complex web?
I always had a dream--to get married before 28, have a baby by around 30, and own my company
by 35 (if I choose to work). These numbers may sound crazy. But, unless I get married before 28,
I can’t be a mother before 30 (forget the details). I can’t imagine myself working for someone after
35 years. After 35, we should settle down in life. By then, we should be done laying the foundation
for our future and start making profits. Forget the question when.. The immediate question eating
me up is-- can I ever have a family of my own?!
On September 11, 2001, I turned 30. Looking back, it appears all my dreams and hopes about life
were shattered due to the irresponsible acts of some people in my life. I am not blaming anyone..
no.. not even my husband. Just wondering how things have turned in my life!! When I think of those
dreadful days.. I feel like crying.
For anyone from outside, I do seem a successful person. But the truth is.. I am not. I am tired of
playing this role of a happy, successful woman. I don't want to make hypocratic statements like 'I
am much happier with my freedom than those so called happily married gals'. What is the use of
your achievement when you have no one you can call ‘dear’? Mother, father, siblings, friends are
all there. But is that enough for a person?
Forget sex. I am not talking about my sexual needs though they have their own priority in life. But I
miss that warmth, love and care from the person after my heart. I wanted to share my joys,
sorrows, hopes, days, life and everything which I can say mine with him.
When you know why you are punished … that is one thing. When you don't know what your
mistake is.. and spend years wondering why you are just abandoned like an invalid… when the
only choice you are given is to live like a corpse.. imagine that feeling.
I faced tough times and still am facing. Any parent would want their children to be happy. Children
should tell their parents what they want. I can’t imagine how anybody can ruin any other person’s
life… just because he/she is not interested in things happening to him or her… and which can affect
others a lot.
An important decision like marriage should be made with utmost care. After all, you don't get
married every other day! If you want Miss World, go for it.. but don't settle for anybody and ruin
her life with comparisons. If you have a dream, go and get it.. but don't try to take shortcuts and
blame it on others.
In India, a woman is considered husband's property after she is married. I have no problem with
that. Look at my mother. She is an intelligent woman and a great home-maker. My father knows it
too. He said ‘you do things much better than I’ and left everything to her. She ran the entire
household, did an excellent job of it, and of course, my father wholeheartedly supported her. I
remember the one time when I made fun of her education or rather lack of it. She took it as a
challenge, went out and got her bachelor’s degree, and two masters’ degrees. That is the kind of
woman she is. My older sister got married, and happily settled in life, playing the dutiful wife and
mother. I think they both had their dreams fulfilled. That was the kind of marital bliss I dreamed too.
Arranging marriage for me was tough because of my horoscope. My parents couldn’t find a boy
whose horoscope matched mine. Finally a day came when they did find a perfect match. Forget the
details. It didn’t work either…Then a day came when his sister sent word, wanted to reopen the
proposal. They said they could not find another girl whose horoscope matched like mine, that mine
was a perfect match to his. The marriage took place.
Then again another blow… I returned home at the end of second week. Where does a woman
belong if her marriage fails?. Just imagine the situation of middle class parents, caught up in the web
of traditions, while one more daughter is still waiting to be married, and the one who got married
just 15 days back returns home for good! Yet my family took me in, no questions asked.
My in-law's.. they started spreading lies about me to cover up the embarrassment caused by my
husband. My relatives advised my parents to force me to go back and adjust to the life there.
Neighbors.. cross-examining the lame excuses of my parents .. looking for loopholes. I was literally
dead.. Why am I deprived of a simple, normal life? These people … talking these lies.. don't they
have conscience? what I faced was something incredible. Nobody believed me even when I told
them what has happened. My parents were shocked when I told them about the situation I was
thrown into. They could not ask me to go back to him again.
How can I stand the lies, the imaginary stories about me flying around? I remember those days of
isolation.. talking with nobody.. unable to face the questions.. dreading to see my parent's pain..
humiliation.. confusion about what went wrong, rage questioning this severe exploitation. I lost faith
in God, whom I held dearest to my heart. My parents struggled to pull me out of that silence.
Life is not like a movie to take revenge or to fight for justice, doing something like 'Mouna
Poraatam'[1]. I don't want to force anyone to live with me. I want a person who wants me. I don't
want to just give my body. I want him to take my mind, heart, feelings and everything that is mine.
When I was told I was not wanted there [in my in-law’s home], my parents and I asked them
many questions for which we got no answers. My father's helplessness in getting answer to the
question- "why my life was ruined this way" made me scan over events that happened over the 15
days I spent at my in-law’s place.. searching for any possible blunder I may have committed there.
After striking-off every thing else, I came to the conclusion.. may be he wanted someone more
educated.. more sophisticated than I or more beautiful.
I can do nothing about my beauty. This is something God gave me.I have to live with this. The thing
I can modify is my education. So, I decided to start my studies.. just to make him happy, make
myself acceptable to him.
But computer studies means lot of money. Although I had the work experience in computers prior
to my marriage, that was in no way useful to get me a job abroad. My parents already went too far
in spending for my marriage ceremony—the dowry, the jewelry, marriage expenses, etc. Everything
they have saved for my marriage was gone. We could demand that money from my in-laws. I am
sure they will give it back too. But somehow.. money aspect never came between us. I don't want
to make my already strained relationship a kid's game by asking for the money we spent. So, I told
my parents not to ask, not even a single rupee from them.…dowry we’ve paid them or anything.
I said to my parents, “If you want money, I will give you.” I donno wherefrom I got that
confidence, I thought.. I will consider it a charity to some needy person, rather a bad one! Now my
parents have only the money saved for my younger sister's marriage. They are looking for a good
match for her. If they spend that money on my computer classes and send me abroad, what can
they do for her marriage?
But these were only my doubts. My father, mother, grand mother and even my sisters—they all had
great faith in me, supported my decision all the way. These thought never crossed their minds at all.
My kid sister.. who is 4 years younger... wanted my father to suspend all attempts for her marriage;
and, spend the amount saved for her marriage on my studies. If I needed 10 rupees, they gave me
20 rupees. My father sold his dear land. They did not care about spending money since they
wanted prove to me that I was not alone. When they saw me coming out of my self-imposed exile,
only to bury myself in the computer.. they were the happiest. What seemed like a Mission
Impossible to me was made possible by them.
When I got a job offer in Canada, first thing we did was to see my husband.. let him know of my
achievement. Soon, cold water was poured on our hopes once again. I made the biggest decision
in my life. I am not going back to him.. unless he want me. My parents objected to this.. asking
what if he doesn't want me forever? My mother consulted Mrs.Malladi Subbamma, a famous social
activist working for the welfare of women. Her office sent a registered letter inviting him for a
dialogue. He never showed up. I asked her what next. She said they would send another notice
and then take him to court… The process is long-drawn and complicated. .. She suggested I might
as well pursue my career in Canada, that is more practical. I was running out of time. I had to come
to Canada ... with a broken heart and shattered dreams... At one time I went home for a brief visit
and let him know of my achievement. He called and asked me to go back to him. I asked him why
he didn’t show up at the office of Subbamma on the previous occasion. He dodged the issue. I
couldn’t get a straight answer which in a way was the answer I had to deal with.
The only thing my parents asked from me on the day of departure to Canada was to promise that,
“never.. ever would I lose hope in life, I will never try to end my life.” How can I end my life?
When I have the great responsibility my parents imposed on me? They believed in me.. I should
not, could not prove them wrong.
Life is no rose bed for me here in Canada. Initial six months were spent on a wheel of hope and
despair—making friends.. trying to face each and every dire situation.. making mistakes.. learning
from them. Many days and nights ended with swollen eyes and ruptured wounds. I was asked
questions for which I don't have answers. Once again good friends helped me a lot. Some friends
betrayed me.. they played a key role in spreading stories about me. Looking at these people, I feel
like I am worse off here and yearn to go back to India ... to my parents and to my loving friends.
Nobody except my family knows those horrific experiences I had been through. These people just
see the ‘smiling me.’ They could not understand my male friends. How can every other person I
talk to become my lover? Can I ever invite another person into my life? I tried.. but failed miserably.
My parents want me to be happy. They want me to make decisions about my life. Right now, I am
in a position where I can not go back or forward. How can I tell my mind to forget everything that
has happened? How can I ignore that smokescreen between me and my future? My parents, few
good friends in India are very happy with the way I coped with my difficult times. They say my
hardships are over. Are they?
***
[1] Mouna Poratam [silent war] is a real story, later made into a movie. It was about a young tribal
woman cheated by a rich boy and became pregnant. She asked him to marry her. He refused to
marry and disowned the baby. The young woman sat in front of his house refusing to take food or
water, and protesting his and his family's indifference toward her. Finally, with the help of social
activists, he married her. This real story happened in Visakhapatnam. Eenadu Newspaper group
came across with this story and made a film "mouna poraatam" which became huge success and
many girls followed the same route and still following with protests in front of the houses of the boys
to get accepted.