Don’t turn the clock back!

By D. Kameswari

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(A powerful comment on personal freedom and choices. For the mother, it was a struggle to prove her status. She tries to save the trouble for her daughter. Did the daughter as a representative of the present generation see the advantage she has got over her mother? Here is an insight in to the life of the urban, educated modern day India - Editor)

 

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“Mommy!”

“Yeah!” Kalyani replied casually, busy cooking supper.

“Mommy, Do you know any gynecologist? I remember you visiting some lady doctor sometime back. What is her name?”

Chitra asked softly.

Kalyani was stunned. She was about to throw in garnish in the soup. “Gynecologist! What for? For whom?” she asked in a fluster.

Chitra replied, looking down, “ I missed my period, mommy.”

Kalyani’s heart missed a beat. “What do you mean?” she said, trembling. Something became very clear as she looked in to her daughter’s face.

“I think I am pregnant,” Chitra said in a matter-of-fact tone, as if it were no big deal. She was nibbling on cashew her mother set aside for upma[1].

Kalyani turned pale. She was baffled.

“What do you mean? What are you saying?” she repeated the question as if she did not hear it right.

“My period is past due. I kind of wondered and so got urine test done. The result is positive,” Chitra replied looking straight in to her mother’s eyes.

Kalyani shuddered. She turned off the stove with a twitch, rushed to the dining table and threw herself in a chair.

“What are you talking about? Are you in your right mind? What happened? Tell me the truth. Is this some kind of a prank?”

 

“Why would I pull a prank about such a thing? And with you? I was trying to figure out a way to tell you since yesterday. I thought I’d let you know. I waited long enough,” she said, looking a little embarrassed.

 

Kalyani stared at her. She mumbled something, hardly audible even to herself, “How? How did this happen?”

Chitra looked as if wondering what a stupid question. She said, “It just happened. That bloody fellow. Never mind. He said it is safe and nothing happens just for one time.”

“Who? Who said that? And you? The pluck! You sound as if you are talking about some common cold or something. You got the nerve to tell me that you need to see a doctor?” Kalyani’s voice choked for anger. Her face turned red. She could not accept that this is really happening. “If your dad hears this, he will bury you alive. Can’t believe that you’d be such a challenge.”

 

It is a big shock for Kalyani. She could not digest the fact that her own daughter, who is raised in modern India with progressive views, could talk openly about getting an abortion with her own mother as if it were a very trivial matter. She has heard that it has become common in foreign countries like America. She has read that children in America start dating even in high school, are sexually active, sleep around freely, become pregnant and have abortions. In our country (India) boys and girls are seeing each other secretly without parents’ knowledge. There are parents who arrange for clandestine abortions in private nursing homes.  But this one is beyond her comprehension. She could not believe that an Indian girl would talk to her own mother about pregnancy and abortion without a twitch. And that girl happens to be her own daughter –that was hard to digest.

“Why are you looking like that, mommy?  As if that is the end of the world? Let’s go to a doctor. It’s is just about a two minute job.”

Now Kalyani came to her senses. She mustered her strength and slapped her daughter in the face. Her face reddened with rage. “Shut up. You just shut up. One more word from your mouth and I will kill you. Who’s that scoundrel anyways? First let us talk about this. Who is he?” she shouted.

 

Chitra is equally annoyed about the slap and looked at her mother furiously. “Somebody. What do you care? You first tell me this. Are you taking me to a doctor or not?” she asked with a frown.

 

“Why didn’t you ask him to take you to the doctor? Why me now? Obviously you are in a mood to rebel. You are saying I shouldn’t care who he is. Well, then why should I care at all? Where is the need for me to do anything? Should’ve gone ahead and have an abortion. No need to tell us.” She looked at her daughter with scorn.

 

“That idiot Sandeep is scared. He is a cry-baby.” She bit her tongue after the name came out of her mouth. “That stupid is afraid that somebody might see us. The doctor says they require the presence of either the husband or parents at the time of abortion.”

 

“I see. So you came to me only after checking all the sources. Did you say Sandeep? Is it that fair boy, with a chain in his neck? That Aggarwal’s son? Didn’t he come to our house, on the pretext of wanting some books? Is he the same fellow?” she asked irately.

 

Chitra shook her head in assent.

Kalyani is embarrassed and angry. She said, “You are hardly twenty. We parents send you kids to school hoping you would study. In stead you go there to mess around. You want love and sex even at this early age? Is it just love and sex or did you also marry him? I know. Why would he marry? He wanted to have you because you are easy to get. He’s got what he wanted and now he is gone. Do you see now at least how clever he is? He used you for fun…” Her voice was resounding with vengeance and sarcasm.

 

“Mommy, stop it for god’s sake. It is too late to discuss it now. It doesn’t matter whether it is his mistake or mine. Whatever is done is done. Tell me, whether you will help me or not. Or should I go ahead and find a way out myself? It is a mistake and it has happened. As far as I am concerned it is no big deal.”

 

Kalyani is really beside herself at Chitra’s attitude and arrogance. “After all this, you still don’t get it, do you? It is not a big deal, you are saying! Okay. Go ahead and do whatever you please. You have come this far, you might as well finish it yourself.” Kalyani got up furiously, went in to the kitchen, lit the stove and started stirring the vegetables vigorously.

 

“What do you mean I don’t get it? Are you asking me to get down on my knees and beg for your forgiveness? Probably that will make you happy,” Chitra replied in the same tone.

 

“I would have felt a little sympathy for you if I had noticed some remorse, some sort of regret. But you are saying it is no big deal. That shows you have no idea what you have done, and what the consequences would be. Obviously you didn’t think about at all. That shows how stupid you are. You don’t know what the consequences would be for a girl if she gets pregnant before marriage in this country. Once the word is out, nobody, not even a good-for-nothing jerk would come forward to marry you. No matter how big people talk about modern and progressive views, they all fall back on traditions and family history once it gets down to business in marriages.”

“So what? My world is not going to fall apart if I don’t get married,” Chitra continued with her mindless debate.

“Of course you wouldn’t care about marriage. After all you are such a rebel...” Kalyani is equally determined to give her a piece of her mind.

 

Chitra got upset and impatient. She nearly screamed, “Stop it, mommy. I am stupid to ask for your help. Don’t talk as if only your daughter did something unheard of. There is nothing unusual about this. You are talking as if the attraction between boys and girls, and, on occasion, this kind of consequences are never heard of. Just tell me right now. Are you going to take me to the doctor or should I make my own arrangements?” 

Kalyani looked at her daughter with scorn. 

“I need to talk to your daddy and ask for his advice. He will blame me for spoiling you. I trusted you and allowed you full freedom. Nice way to pay back!” 

“Why tell daddy? He is old-fashioned… I see even you don’t understand. How can you expect him to understand?” 

“If I help you now without telling him, sooner or later he will know about it anyways and then he will kill me. I am losing my mind. Let me think. I’ve got to leave for work soon. There is so much to finish up. Leave me alone for now,” she said, shuffling around in the kitchen.  

“I am not going to let you tell daddy. If you don’t want to help me that is fine.” Chitra stormed out of the room. 

Kalyani shouted from behind, “Look. Bring that fellow Sandeep here. I want to talk to him.” 

Chitra turned around and looked as if she wanted to chew her up. “There is no need for you to talk to him. That rascal is avoiding me. I am not talking to him.” And she left.  

“Hm! So all that talk about love is gone now.” Kalyani told herself desperately. The thought of what her husband would say on hearing this, the impending storm, what her strategy should be to confront him… shook her up. She couldn’t think straight. Her heart is beating faster.

***

 

Kalyani entertains progressive views. She loves the terms like women’s freedom, character and self-esteem. She strongly believes that women are not inferior to men in any respect, given proper environment women are sure to excel men, women should receive education and learn to be self-supportive, women should have economic freedom, and that women are entitled to their own life as individuals. Her mother had a miserable life simply because she (the mother) did not have education and as a result had to take all the beating from her father. Therefore Kalyani was hell bent on avoiding that despicable life. She grit her teeth, continued her education in spite of strong opposition, went on strike, went on fasting, never let her father stop her from going to college, earned her bachelor’s degree, passed banking examinations, started out in an entry level position in a bank and now reached a managerial position. She told her parents that she would not marry until she got a job and she stood her ground. She succeeded in accomplishing her goals.

 

Kalyani wanted to make sure that her daughter would not suffer the same hardships. She made a point of seeing her daughter through college without any problem. She wanted to prove that she treated her son and daughter equally hoping that they both would reach high-level positions in course of time.

 

On the other hand, her husband Ramakrishna was born in a village and grew up with a strong background in traditional values. He is the kind of man that would strictly adhere to traditions, visit temples etc. He has been giving Kalyani a hard time because she is not raising Chitra “like a girl”. He’d frequently comment, “What is that haircut? She would be so beautiful if you braid her hair, put a bindi and eye liner”; “Why do you allow her to run around like a boy, let her ride a bike…” “She is not a girl anymore, almost a woman and you let her wear a t-shirt and play shuttlecock with boys. You are spoiling her!” “You bought a scooter as if she were a boy? You let her wear pants like a boy?” “Do we have to send both of them to Engineering College? It is important for a boy. Why her? Why can’t she just go for a Bachelor’s degree? She can major in some other subject later”; “Why do you let those boys come to our house? In stead of telling her that it is inappropriate, you encourage it and even offer them coffee and snacks!” “Yesterday I saw her with my own eyes. Your daughter was riding on the backseat of some fellow’s scooter. You are going easy on her. Take it from me. She will be a ne’er-do-well girl and it is your fault.”

 

Ramakrishna and Kalyani have been arguing since Chitra was a baby. Kalyani gets upset even at the mention of the word “girl”. She would argue, “Where is the rule that a girl should not wear pants?” “What is wrong in playing shuttlecock?”; “What else could she wear while playing shuttlecock?”; “What is wrong if her classmates come to our house?”; “Why do we have to mess up their minds with these words ‘girl’ and ‘boy’”; “Why should we draw a line between male and female friends as long as they are friends?”; “She came on her friend’s scooter since her own moped broke down. So what?”

 

That is how she raised her daughter. No separate rules for Chitra because she is a girl. “We have two incomes. Why can’t we send her to Engineering College? Why can’t a girl study engineering? In fact she is better at math than the boy. Why should we ruin her chances to do better?” That is how Chitra got to go to Engineering College. Since Chitra and Chaitanya (son) are a year apart, she made sure that they would not fight. She bought two sets of everything--two bikes, two mopeds, two sets of books, literally everything.

 

“Your karma! You are throwing her to the winds. You are spoiling her. You are encouraging her to be friends with boys without any reservations. Some day she will bring our house down. She will break your heart, I am telling you,” Ramakrishna said on the day she allowed Chitra go to a picnic with other girls and their boyfriends.

That day she argued, “In this day and age children are smart. They know their bounds. If we don’t respect their freedom, they will sneak behind our backs. They will lie to us. This way they will at least be frank with us”.

Ramakrishna could not come to terms with Chitra’s conduct and her impudence. Now Kalyani is worried that matters are going to get worse when he hears this news. It is not just he blaming her. She herself could not forgive Chitra for misusing the freedom she is allowed. She could not dismiss her daughter’s attitude about her actions, believing that she did not do anything wrong. To make the daughter understand that her mother would not support everything the daughter does blindly, Kalyani decided to keep her cool and wait until the daughter comes to her senses and apologizes. Then she would take her to the doctor. She could tell her husband at that time. Kalyani decided to wait and see if her daughter would realize her mistake.

 

***

 

In the middle of the night Kalyani heard somebody calling her. She woke up.

“Mommy, mommy,” Chitra was calling her in a whisper in between sobs.

Kalyani sat up. Chitra was curled up in her bed and crying with both her hands on her stomach. Chitra’s face looked pale and horrible in the night-light.

“Mommy, it is hurting. I am bleeding. Do something.” She kept saying in between heartbreaking sobs. There is blood all over her sleepwear and on the bed. 

Kalyani’s heart shuddered. “What happened? What did you do?” She asked, looking at Chitra who is curled up and in severe pain. “What did you do? Did you swallow some medication?” Kalyani is in a fluster as she asked the question.  

“A couple of days back a lady doctor performed an abortion. Bleeding started this evening. Mommy, it is hurting… I am dying… do something…” she is crying in agony. 

“Which doctor did do the operation? Why did you go alone?” Kalyani asked anxiously. 

“You didn’t say anything. My friend, poor Ravi agreed to go with me.  He pretended to be my husband and helped me. Some doctor somewhere…” 

“You went to a doctor nobody knows about?” she asked angrily. Kalyani understood that the doctor did not follow the proper procedure. But there is no time for arguments now. She quickly went in to wake up Ramakrishna. 

***

“Incomplete abortion. This bleeding, high temperature, and the stomach pain--these are all symptoms of an infection developing. This is what happens when you get an abortion without checking the credentials. Nowadays these children—they are well read and yet do not know right from wrong. And what is worse, they don’t even care about correcting the mistake in a proper manner,” the doctor admonished her plenty, completed the abortion, and gave her prescription for pain and the infection.

 

“You are the mother. You should know better. You shouldn’t have left her like that for two days.” She reproached Kalyani mildly. The doctor is a sister-in-law of one of Kalyani’s colleagues. Counting on that relationship, Kalyani brought her daughter to her. Kalyani looked down as if she made the mistake herself.

 

Ramakrishna heard the entire story that night and was flabbergasted. Then he pulled out the car without a word and headed towards the nursing home. He didn’t say a word to his daughter. Did not scold her. Did not care to listen when Kalyani tried to explain. Kalyani let her daughter stay in the nursing home for the night and brought her home the next day.  

“Your daddy did not say a word. Can you see how much he is hurt? The fact that he kept his pain and humiliation in his heart says he did not forgive us. It would have been a lot better if he had yelled at us. I can’t face him again,” Kalyani said, giving fruit juice to her daughter.  

“Sorry, mommy,” Chitra said looking down. She was meek as if all her audacity and arrogance were gone in that one day. It is obvious from her worn out face and the dark streaks under her eyes, how much hurt she is both physically and mentally.  

“Chitra! You lost your freedom with this one slip-up. Now you lost the trust of everybody. You will see how many rules daddy will impose on you. If you are late from school even by one hour, wherever you go, whatever you do, suspicion is going to hang over your head. And now I can’t even defend you anymore.” 

Chitra broke into sobs. “Mommy, not because I wanted it. Sandeep invited me to his home and I followed him for fun. I did not know his parents were out of town until I went there. He sweet-talked me into trusting him. Turned on the music. Let’s dance, he said. Just for fun, he said. He also said that all the girls and boys in the college do the same. He even gave me some names. He said nothing happens if we do it just for once, there is nothing wrong. He won me over with his words. I must admit it though. I was curious too. Wanted to see what is there in it. I did not expect this. He said it is a safe period and nothing will happen,” she told the whole story in between sobs.

 

“Hum, Chitra! Boys in this age can think of nothing but sex. That is the problem with this age. They are anxious to have that experience by hook or crook. Young people forget propriety. When girls make friends with boys, it is the girls that should be on guard. They should draw the line and keep the boys at safe distance. Why do you think our ancestors created certain conventions? It is natural for fire to burn. You touch the fire, you get burned. It is the woman that is doomed to suffer all the pain, humiliation and cruelty. Sandeep had fun and he is fine. But a few minutes of pleasure is causing you so much pain and suffering. It is causing you so much embarrassment. No matter how modern we are and how much we talk about equality, we still have to give in to men in this regard. The nature itself showed partiality and cheated us. Two people share a momentary pleasure and the woman pays the price. This is the disadvantage God hurled at us. We can not escape this affliction and insult.”

 

Chitra looked at her mother uneasily.

 

“Chitra! I have given you full freedom just like I would to a boy. Freedom does not mean chaos. I believed in you getting higher education. I really wanted you to get a good job, have economic freedom, have the courage to face any hardship, develop strong character, to be able to prove that you are in no way inferior to any man. That is what I hoped. You misinterpreted the word freedom. Freedom and free will do not mean running around with men. No polite society can accept that. Society is based on certain norms. When you defy those norms, no matter however modern the society claims to be, it will still point a finger at you. No society has ever accepted the illicit relationship, from the woman Kunti[2] in ancient times to you in present day. I am not sure if any mother could ever openly admit that she took her daughter to a clinic to arrange an abortion for her daughter, not even after 50 more years. I am not sure any woman can announce to the world proudly that she had an abortion. Earlier Prasadarao’s wife saw you in the clinic. I lied to her and told her that I brought you there for some gynec problem. She could see it through. It was written all over my face. Tomorrow everybody in your college and my office will know about it. Behind their sympathy and suspicious looks you can see a shade of ridicule. Not even the dumbest of the dumb would come forward to marry you. Even if some boy with a big heart agrees, he will never let you forget it He will seize every opportunity he gets to use it as a weapon.”

 

Chitra’s face fell. ”Mommy, you have so much to say. Do you know that the boys and girls in our college mess around all the time, in the name of eating out and picnics? I am sure they are having sex too.”

 

“You don’t have to do it simply because somebody else did it. Nowadays they are all chaste as long as they are not caught. I am not sure how many of them are using these family planning methods to get around chastity. You didn’t have even that much sense and got into this rut. Do you know why I did not mention this earlier? I thought you’d take it as my approval to mess around with boys. Chitra! Please remember that you and young people like you have the responsibility not to turn the clock a hundred years back, to the times when “women do not deserve freedom”[3] was the law. The present generation has the responsibility to prove to the society that they do not misuse their freedom.”

 

Chitra look down in shame. Kalyani is convinced that Chitra will not repeat her mistake and will always remember her mother’s words before getting into a similar situation again.  

 

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The Telugu original entitled Kalanni venakki tippaku is available on e-Telugu Patrika for Telugu readers.

Translated in to English by Nidadavolu Malathi.